‘The journey might not be easy but the ending will be’
Dear Malvika,
I am a 28-year-old married woman. I got married nearly a year ago. We live apart for our jobs and meet once in two months or so. Things were good in the beginning. I was convinced that he loves and supports me. I was also sure that I had similar feelings for him. But recently, things are not going well between us. We misunderstand each other a lot, we also lack proper communication and I am not sure if we love each other anymore. We tend to blame each other for all the bad things in our lives. Instead of having a debate, we prefer not to talk. In addition, my husband’s family is pressurizing me to have a baby while I want to excel in my job, have a secured future and wait few years before I decide to be a mother. I think waiting for two more years would be perfect. Their constant nagging makes me feel bad. I don’t know what I should do to mend my relationship with him. Will having a baby make things better?
No, a baby will not resolve things. In fact it will just make it worse. The two of you need to resolve things between you first, before you move on with anything in life. I know long distance is not easy especially as a married couple. Physical and emotional intimacy is very important. How often do you communicate with each other? Do you talk on a daily basis on the phone, do you video chat often and text each other? Once silence prevails in a relationship then it is not good. As you know very well communication is the key. If you feel that this is not going anywhere good, then there are some decisions to be made.
First you have to decide together how you want to take this forward. This could be leaving one of your jobs and being in the same place. Second, getting help. Nepali society might look down upon therapy but it is very important with the stressful life that we lead. But the decision has to be made by the two of you. If this gets much worse then you will not be able to stand each other and even meeting once in two months will not be possible.
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Dear Malvika,
I am a 25-year-old hardworking and ambitious working woman. I have been in a relationship with a guy since school. After completing high school, he went to abroad where his family was and returned back for my sake. After few years I graduated, he also returned to abroad. My parents don’t like him. I have tried to convince them. I don’t know why but now I feel like we lack understanding between us. Whenever I try to correct him, he shouts at me saying, “you think I am dumb and uneducated.” He takes every detail of my male friends. I feel like he doesn’t respect my personal space. I want to start some business here but he forces me to go abroad. His family hates me for not marrying him when we completed our high school but since I was too young to get married, I chose to build my career then. They blame me for ruining his life because he has been fighting against his family for me and have been sending evil messages to leave him. I feel humiliated seeing those messages. I know I have done nothing wrong but their words hurt me. I have told him about this, he has been fighting with his parents and telling me to ignore them. I feel our relationship is getting more toxic with time. I feel so depressed. What should I do?
Being in a school relationship, with times people change and that is hard to cope with. Your values, beliefs and ambitions in life changes. Handling a long term relationship takes a lot of effort especially when you two want different things in life. I am sorry that his family is behaving very rudely with you at this time. Now that is not done. They should just let the two of you be. Yes, he can say that you should ignore them but once you are married whether you like it or not, they will be a part of your life forever which does sound very scary. Even though he might handle them for a while but for how long. Toxic relationships are never good. So this is something that you need to think about yourself and see if this relationship is what you want and whether you will be happy or not.
Dear Malvika
I am a 29-year-old guy and graduated about seven years ago. After my graduation I needed to work for my earning and since then I have been working and trying out different jobs. I am paid well but I get anxious whenever I think about my studies. I feel like I have been trapped in my job and will hardly get spare time to complete my further studies. The problem is that though I am originally from Kathmandu, my work is based in remote area. I have been trying to apply for a job in Kathmandu in order to take my work and study at an equal pace but it is tough to get a job with a nice pay. I already have had many years of gap and now I think I should complete my further studies. What do you think I should do?
If you feel that your further studies are very important then you should study. I would suggest you to try out with agencies and job sites that will also help you find the job that you are looking for in Kathmandu. You can also look into distance learning universities or online universities that would help you get the degree in case the job in Kathmandu doesn’t pan out. There are many ways to solve this issue and I am sure you will find a way out of it. Good luck! But just do not stress over it so much that it affects your work and personal life. Try and make things happen. And the journey might not be easy but the ending will be.
Be your own inspiration
Dear Malvika,
I am a 20-year-old guy currently studying in an undergraduate level. I have been in a relationship with a girl for two years now. We met in our college for the first time and gradually started liking each other. Now, after two years of being in a relationship, I have started to like another girl. Everything is cool between me and my girlfriend but I don’t know what has made me fall for this new girl. I know the girl that I am dating will not be ready to part ways but I think I should let her know about what I am going through. I am confused. What should I do?
Aah! The joys of being in love in the 20’s. You just fall in and out of love very quickly. And of course, there is confusion as to whether it is love, lust, or something else. Been there, and done that. See here is the thing. I suggest you just date people and not be committed. As you are in that age where you will keep ‘liking’ people. And do not be in a committed relationship until you are really sure. Because it would not be fair on the other person. I will also tell you this that sometimes we might just like a person but not love them or be in love with them. It could just be an infatuation and that happens time and again. So, take your time and do not make any hasty decisions. If you feel that this new girl is someone you really want to be with then you know what to do.
Malvika Subba is a media personality, social activist and former Miss Nepal. She is also the CEO of Idea Studio Nepal.
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