Dear Malvika,
I am a doctor and belong to a family of well educated parents. I have always respected them for they taught me to be independent and believed in me. But now it seems like a story. I’ve been in relationship with a fellow doctor for over a year now. It was only later I found out that he belongs to the Damai community and my family was definitely going to have a problem with it. It had never occurred to me that his caste could be a problem. After spending much time together I have come to realize that he is a genuine and kind person. He later told me about the discrimination he had to face at his friend’s house and how much it pains him to say he belonges to this caste. He would say he is a Chhettri for the fear of being discriminated. I don’t know what it feels like to live like that but there was one thing I knew that I was never leaving this person just because my great grandparents think his caste add lesser value to human life. Two years into the relationship, my father noticed us. A week later he talked to me about how he is going to commit suicide if I think about marrying him. It shook me to the ground that my parents, the one who taught me to be whoever I want to be, think liberally were being racist. This is the hypocrite family I have been living with. It makes me laugh that the guy who is apparently a better person than I am, a better doctor than I am, is not worth for me because of what his caste is. I talked to him about this and he said family comes first. So maybe we will drift apart, but I will never forgive myself for what I have done. I am going to live with the shame that I never stood for what I felt right. Please give me your suggestions.
It is very sad to know that your love story has come to a halt because of this caste system that prevails in our society. No matter how educated our society is still seeped into it deep. I know that parents have a major influence in our life over what we decide for our future especially when it comes to marriage. But in the end it is you who has to live with him and spend the rest of your life together. If you feel and believe that this person will make and keep you happy, you should go ahead with your relationship. Even if your parents might disagree. It is not right for your father to emotionally blackmail you like that. That is injustice. And we will always go through such injustices in life and you have to be strong about it and face it. It will take time, maybe years but if you believe in this I would suggest you to not leave him. Try and convince your family. Take your time. They may not talk to you for some time and there will be stress but in the end they will accept you. I am sending you all the love and strength.
Dear Malvika,
I have some simple yet important questions. Do you love yourself? Do you accept everything about yourself or criticize yourself? Do you think that you fully understand yourself? Your valuable answers will be a quite helpful to me and to those who have been seeking the answers to these questions.
Over the years I have come to love and accept who I am as a person. But that does not mean I like everything about myself. I criticize myself and learn from my mistakes. I analyze where I went wrong and what I did wrong and the next time I try not to repeat it. Sometimes I can, and sometimes I can’t. If I were good in everything that I did I would be perfect and we cannot be perfect. Sometimes I understand myself and sometimes I don’t. There are times when I react differently to the same situations. It all depends on how I am feeling at the moment. But overall I am fine with the way I am even if others might criticize me or judge me for the decisions I make, if I feel I am right , I stand by it and don’t let it bother me.
Heart to Heart with Malvika
Dear Malvika,
I am an 18-year-old girl currently residing in Kathmandu with my mother and younger brother. My father and elder brother are abroad. A few months ago my father had come to Nepal after six years. But he didn’t even talk properly with my mother and he was aggressive toward her. He also didn’t take her out once during his two months’ stay. My father’s friend, a foreigner, was also here along with him. She asked me if I know about a woman, but refused to tell me anything. Later, I was heartbroken to find through my father’s messages and phone calls that he was having an affair with a woman, the one that the foreigner was talking about. I asked my brother if he knew about that woman and he said he didn’t know anything. But he frequently kept asking me how I knew about the woman. I think my brother also knows about this but don’t want to share with us. I can neither share with to my mother as she has mental problems and has been on medication for the past six years. Sometimes I feel I should go abroad and earn to take care of my mother. Please suggest me what to do.
I think that you should confront your father about this situation. You are an adult now and he should be honest with you. Being away for so long is not easy on anyone and getting attached to someone else comes easy. Even though he may be your parent but he also has feelings as a man. Yes he should have been nice to your mother when he was here but looking at the situation it seems that he has a different life now. So in this regard you should talk to him about securing things for your mother and you should also be financially independent. I am sure most of your mother’s mental health issues might be related to the stress she has for being away from your father. So a confrontation is required here. Finish your studies and be independent. Things will fall into place.
Dear Malvika,
I am a married woman in my mid 30’s and am living abroad with my two kids. Back home, I have my parents who are in their 60’s. I have a younger sister who also stays abroad and has been unemployed since two years because of health issues. My brother, who is four years younger to me, lives in Nepal with my parents. He was addicted to drugs at the age of 12 and has been to rehabilitation centers for many a times. It is getting difficult for my old parents to afford his expenses. My parents have also been looking after his daughter. We are having problems due to him. We sisters both try to do our best to keep our parents happy, but my brother always complains that we do not help him financially. But the thing is that he always wants to do big business without any experience. He is on and off taking drugs and I don’t know what to do. I want to help him, but how can I help him if he is not willing to listen at all? I want to come out of this problem. What do you think I should do?
You should come home first with your sister and have a big family meeting. If he has issues looking after the parents then the two of you need to divide your time and attention to them. Unless your brother is hundred percent sober he will not be able to take care of anyone. I am really worried about the care and attention that his daughter is getting over there. If your parents are happy in Nepal and do not want to live with you then you should focus on your brother. He needs counseling. Psychological counseling so that he can get out of the habit of taking drugs frequently. Unless he quits completely there is no way that you should invest in his financial plans. Drugs make people unstable and that would not be right decision. Along with rehab he definitely needs to go to therapy first.
